slowly figuring it out.

so all day i have been thinking thinking thinking.

all the things that have happened to me, and how i got through it all.

God and Friends.

it seems like just yesterday my life was falling apart slowly.

it all started in sixth grade, with my grandpa.

then to my friends,

then to my relationships,

then my family,

then back to friends.

nothing has ever been stable for me, ever

Everything is always changing, 

..but for me, the stuff that is never supposed to change did.

I used to ask, "why me, God?"

"why would you choose the weakest person to do this to?"

I used to have a friend, she was my bestfriend, on here im going to call her page; we had been friends since kindergarden and best friends since 3rd grade. we looks almost identical, people use to get us mixed up.

i could list and list memories i shared with this girl. We had every class together, we were inseparable; and in seventh grade, she began to change she got this evil streak, this meanness that just grinded my gears. I had more friends than just her, but she drove them away. Then i was only left with her, and i had to change myself to be friends with her, or i was alone..

and that was t h e last thing i wanted. I started to be more like her, i started swearing, and saying mean stuff and i hated it deep down, i knew it was wrong but i kept doing it, like a drug addict.

she was the only friend i had after school plans with, we ran track, and goofed off the whole time. back then, i had no values, and thats the sad thing.

i called this girl my bestfriend, my bestie, the typical bestfriend names; but way down i knew that i told her nothing about me and she told me nothing. we didn't share secrets, or any thing she was basically there to just have fun with, but thats all i had.

in 8th grade her parents started fighting, and her dad moved to delaware due to job changes. You could tell this had an affect on her, a big one.  She started going crazy, she started talking about doing drugs and drinking, and doing "stuff" with boys; and it wasn't the girl i had knew for all those years.

Then two girls walked into my life, sunshine and lizzy. They together showed me the real meaning of friendship which eventually brought back my previous friendship with mac. They didn't like page, so i was stuck in the middle, with both of my arms being tugged both ways. Having the feelings about my friendship with page and being introduced to this new awesome friendship with sunshine lizzy and mac i was won over by they're loving ways and how they accepted me as i was, and i didn't have to change for them.

in the end it ended up tearing mine and page's friendship into pieces. i had this empty hole in my heart, and i had no way to fill it; i missed her, a lot.

long story short, i had no true friends in 8th grade, everyone went behind everyones back and it was drama city.

Page went to early college, and i lost touch with her all together, until a few months ago. when we caught back up, i found out a lot of bad stuff had been happening to her. She has a rare, unknown, incurable seizure disease. they don't know how to fix it, or at least keep her from having seizures. they have told her and her family multiple times she has a small chance of living a long life. She went into depression, she turned to drugs and boys..

now were not really friends and i don't know what to do.

Why did she have to change?

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relationships.

this past year i experienced the worst experience of my life.

I only refer to him as he, cause thats all he deserves to be called; maybe not even that.

He was a jerk, a liar, a scal, a player, and he wanted o n e thing, and as most of you could guess, sex. 

we met at church camp, so to me that kind of masked things that he had done. i later found out he smoked pot, and he had had sex before; he had told be before he hadn't.

he treated me like dirt for 7 months, he cheated on me, he lied, and disrespected me more than enough; but those simple words, 

"i love you" "ill never do it again," "you're my everything, and ill do anything to keep you forever" "forever yours" 

a l w a y s cover up things and a l w a y s keep girls like me running back. I was a girl searching for someone to share something special with, and i was headed in the wrong direction. i listened to his lies for too long, and put up with him for way to long. 

No one knows the whole story, only me.

needless to say, he broke my heart, when i thought my world was perfect.

i watched it come crashing down right in front of my face. 

i went into denial, i cried everyday, i had fits of rage, and to this day, i still do those things.

i can't accept the change.

 

i lost a friend, one near and dear to my heart, red. Red was my rock, i could come to him crying, i could run to him mad as fire, or any other emotion; and he would comfort me and make me feel like the most important person in the world, like no one could hurt me. red knew everything about me but one thing; and when he found out, it killed our friendship.. 

we were done, he done some bad stuff to try to get back at me, and it made me mad.

im starting to realize, he meant everything to me. red was there when absolutely no one was. He treated me like a princess, Red told me i was beautiful inside and out, everyday. he never failed to tell me how important i was to him, and for once in my life i felt like i had a meaning, like i was special to someone, like i was more than just a girl. 

now, its a l l gone.

i want it back more than anything in the world. 

I want to make the change.

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I used to ask, "why me, God?"

"why would you choose the weakest person to do this to?"

Now i say, "thank you God, for changing me, thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for bringing my into your arms. Thank you for showing me there is something more than sorrow. Thank you for everything."

<3

God has a plan for everyone, and everything. He works in mysterious ways, and I'm a living example. He put me through the ropes, to test my strength, and to show myself that I'm more than i think i am; that i do mean something to Him. He loves us all, every single one of us, with mistakes or not we are his prized possession.

<3

"find rest, o my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, i will not be shaken."

Psalm 62:5-6

GodBless.